Why I'm A Spaz: An Essay

While I was on Guam, deployed with the Navy (Go Seabees!), Blessid Union of Souls played a show in a teeny tiny little bar on our Navy base. The show was advertised in the free paper that was lain around all over the base for sailors and Seabees with sticky fingers to read. Being one of these sticky-fingered Seabees myself, I found out about the show well in advance. Consequently, I spent at least a month obsessing about going to the show.
Unfortunately, this wonderful event was scheduled on one of the most tragic of all possible dates: the day before a Working Saturday. Working Saturdays come every other weekend for deployed 'bees. On those days, they begin work at 5:45am regardless of what the calendar says about weekends. Because of the timing, it was nearly impossible for me to find anyone willing to go with me.
In the process of trying to find an escort, in my mind I built up the concert into the event of a lifetime. I was so sure I would be able to meet and talk to Eliot Sloan that I became crazed in my quest to find someone to come. Every time I thought about it for that entire month I got more and more excited. It was going to be the most important day of my life! The day I would meet the sweet-voiced man who sang and, of course, had a hand in writing the most touching song ever written!
Finally, the day came. I floated through work, probably nailing someone's clothes to a board, for all the attention I was paying that day. Lunch came and went, dinner came and went and finally, the bus came and went, and I was on it.
"Oh, wow!" I told my friend, Mike. "There they are! They're starting!" Unfortunately, since no one in the band is named Hank or Garth, I wasn't met with equal enthusiasm. Looking around as the first notes rang out, I noticed that I wasn't the only person on the island who knew every word of 'Oh Virginia'... there was one more. I think the two of us made a very respectable 'roaring crowd' for the show, even though our roar could probably have been more accurately described as a bit of a commotion.
After the show, the time came to meet Eliot! The wait was over! I could finally impress him with my wit and shower him with praises!



WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I SAY?


My mind went completely blank, except for that blinding panic. Irrational terror paralyzed me. I thought, 'If I say something too nice, his wife will think I'm hitting on him. I am certainly NOT hitting on this man in front of his wife! I know- I could try to say something witty! That's it, something funny to break the ice.'
"Hi, I'm Tina."
That's it? That's all I got? Wait, now Mike's talking to him! They're having a conversation. Oh Tina, just say anything!
"Could you please sign my CD cover? Um, yeah, over here by 'Nora'."
Oh, Jeez, he said something. What was it?
"It's my favorite song." Well, apparently that's my answer.
"Oh, is it? I'm sorry we couldn't play your favorite song for you tonight," Eliot tells me.
Ha! I actually caught that one. And I understood it! But how in the world do I respond to that?
"Ever." There, that did it. I think my brain literally fell out of my mouth that last time I opened it. I've got to go. Thankfully, Mike stepped in.
"Well, we have to leave. We don't have a bus schedule and we have to work tomorrow so we can't miss it." Thank God for Mike. After Eliot said goodbye I opened my mouth and nothing at all came out. As Mike gently guided me toward the door, I thought, "I have got to explain this one day."

So there you have it. My explanation. Why I'm a spaz. I guess it's because just I am.

I wrote this a few years ago but I thought it would fare well on the blog today.  My style has changed a bit, and I did a bit of tweaking but it remains mostly unchanged.  I feel like if I ever meet any other celebrities, they need to read this first as a disclaimer.

(It was this one)